Big T's Resume and Cover Letter Service.

There comes a time in every working stiff's joyless, overtaxed burden of an existence where one gives in to the sublime temptation of writing a cover letter detailing exactly how they feel about supplicating for another lousy job.

And thus, the moment has come, dear friends and readers, to unveil to the cover letter everybody has fantasized about writing (and sending!) at least once in their career:

Objective: Get a Job. Make $. Pay my fucking bills.

Dear Sir/Madam:

I think your institution is lame and all I've ever heard from my colleagues and the community at large is how sucky it is to work there, but frankly, I'm desperate to pay my bills. Sure, I'll take a job at your crap facility if it means I can make rent for another month. And sure, I'll even pretend this letter is about caring, and furthering my job skills, but we both know that's a joke. You need someone to wipe and kiss ass and take the fall when a big lawsuit happens, I need to pay off my student loans and eat ramen for the rest of my life.

So, let's make a deal: you pretend to give me a real job that treats me like a sentient human being, and I'll pretend to work and give a shit about your company values. You pretend to give me money for the job, and I'll pretend I can actually make a living with your sucky wages. Capeche? If I don't hear from you, well, let's just say Big T's Resume Service has a sister company called Big T's Wrecking Service. (And we don't wreck cars, if you catch my drift).

Sincerely,

Your future disgruntled employee

cc: Big T.'s Resume Service.

shit never dies.

At its best, critical care is a heroic illusion, at its worst, it is an empty promise. And all too often, it is one and the same.

This Is Your Brain: An Illustrated Guide For Trauma Patients and Their Family Members

Welcome to the ICU. We understand this is a scary, stressful time for you. There are many different machines and lots of different equipment that may look overwhelming. Doctors and nurses may speak in medical terms you do not understand. In order to facilitate your understanding of what is really happening in plain language, we've created a little guide to help you process things you may see or hear on the unit.

We hope this is useful and encourage your family members to resist the urge to annoy the medical team and nurse with many redundant, repetitive and inane questions about your care, and instead, please sit down, shut up, and refer to the handy guide, as per below.

(Note: Because you are no doubt intubated, restrained, and in a chemically induced coma, the staff here will share this sensitive booklet with your loved ones so they, too, can understand exactly how fucked up you are.)

Thank you, and have a wonderful day!

--The Staff In The ICU

This is your brain.
This is your brain splattered all over a King County highway.

This is your brain.
This is your brain with a bolt in it.

This is your leg.
This is your leg ripped off and in a cooler for transport.

This is your other leg.
This is your other leg amputated at the knee.

This your arm.
This is your arm in yet another cooler for transport.

This is your other arm.
This is your other arm with a couple of digits missing which, alas, were not retrievable at the scene.

This is your pelvis.
This is your pelvis in an ex-fix.

This is your airway.
This is your airway with a tube shoved in it.

This is your nose.
This is your nose with a tube shoved in it.

This is your dick.
This is your dick with a tube shoved in it.

This is your ass.
This is your ass with a tube shoved in it.

Any questions?