begin the begin.

when you're absolute beginners
it's a panaromic view
from her majesty mt. zion
and the kingdom is for you.
-M. Ward "For Beginners"

I don't know if you've looked at a newspaper lately (because that might be something you'd have done in like, 1985, before the Internetz and all) but no matter what outdated mode of information you've been sourcing these days, you've probably read enough to realize that the Financial Situation Around These Here Parts Is Dire.

It's so dire, that even a little scutmonkey like myself is somewhat worried that I'm gonna show up to work one day, ready to code patients and wipe ass like nobody's business, and get a pink slip for my effort. And then I'm gonna be shit-out-of-luck like the thousands of Americans right now who are being summarily handed their walking papers.

And that is a chilling thought, indeed.

On the other hand, having recovered from Brink of Exhaustion Expo/My Own Private Night Shift Disorder Hell 2008, I'm feeling very lucky, and... dare I say it, happy.

Yeah, this Cardiothoracic ICU thing could totally come back to bite me in the professional ass. I mean, I remember how terrified I was of crashing trauma patients--what makes me think patients crashing in a cardiac unit is gonna be any less scary, pray tell?

Well, it's not gonna be any less terrifying, and I'm probably gonna go through the same, I-can't-believe-you-thought-this-was-gonna-be-cool soliloquy some blustery April morning, having spent a 12 hour shift keeping some unlucky soul from the brink of coding, or coding, or whatnot. I'll garner stares from curious passers-by as I publically document my own stupidity at having stayed in critical care, and not gone back to the known hinterlands of stepdown.

And I'm probably gonna feel like a crappy cardiothoracic nurse for awhile, just like I felt like a shitty trauma nurse, for just about the entire duration of my (admittedly short lived) career in that field.

So, what's the difference?

I think the difference is I really, really like cardiac as a speciality. Maybe not as much as I prize my sanity, and definitely not as much as a cherish a good night's sleep, but still, as specialities go... I'm all rainbows-and-unicorns-and-sunshine-up-your-ass about cardiac.

My hope is that this will translate to Pure Intensive Care Goodness.

And so, I "begin the begin." (After I sign my name to human resource documents in triplicate for five days, which is apparently what they mean by 'hospital orientation.')