All your bedalarms are belong to us.

In a brief statement last night, senior officials at Hospital of Lost Causes, nestled in its home town of Some Poor Shithole, America, revealed their "Every Patient Left Behind" campaign--a facet of their 5 Million Deaths and Counting JCAHO approved marketing scheme--to increase morbidity and mortality in their elderly patient population, and streamline what they call "door-to-morgue" time.

"Basically, what we were finding is that patients have a one thousand fold risk of death or disfigurement by complication if admitted under any number of our substandard services, but that that risk dramatically increased when patients underwent coronary angiogram under my care," said Dr. PoPo Schneiderfrast, one time winner of the Douchebag Dildo Award and hospital director of the newly established MOR-ICU. The MOR-ICU is modeled after the assumption that since patient decompensation and eventual expiration occurs so frequently and disturbingly quickly under Schneiderfrast's supervision, a lesson or two in patient mismanagement could be learned from what Hospital of Lost Causes employees jokingly refer to as their Angel of Death.

Schneiderfraust further explains the "MOR-ICU" concept: "We also found that we were really spending more resources on post-mortem care, and felt that since so much of our funding goes to keeping our patient-death lawsuits out of the press, we'd do just about anything to cover up our sloppy shit-for-care in any way possible before an error is even committed, much less discovered. Also, the MOR-ICU protocol streamlines the time, money and energy it takes to get a patient from the ambulance bay doors to the morgue (thus the moniker "M[orgue]-ICU) in just under 12 hours. I think it benefits everybody, from our overworked risk management team to the bedside nurse."

Will good nursing care be under-evaluated in this new plan? Fear not, says Director of Corpse Care Services, and co-manager of the TRY-CU and BUNK-U, Alesio Bitchtits. "It's so much easier to manipulate and punish nurses now that we have this new "Every patient left behind" campaign. I'm really delighted by the new and manifold ways it's now possible to implicate nursing in just about every patient death hospital wide, no matter who or what the real culprit. I'm just thrilled." Bitchtits further says that the program involves a "rigorous application of root-cause analysis, and due to the new, executive-approved algorithm, virtually every patient death now involves some component of nursing care, whereas under the older hospital policies, there was always a small margin of doubt as to whether or not the nurse named in the affadavit was really ever an employee of Hospital of Lost Causes at any time."

Boasts Bitchtits, "Our nurses are really, really good at writing death notes. We have some of the best post-mortem documentation in the country."

RN Clinical Nurse Specialist Theresa Lotsaspaghetti says she's working hard on a newly modified BRA [Breathe, Rest, Ambulate] protocol for recently deceased patients. Her new brain-child, LAZARUS (Let's Ambulate Zombies And Resucitate Ugly Saggies) is a novel way of approaching the challenges inherent in preventing hemodynamic stasis in patient's suffering from what she calls "a modified organic state." Says Lotsaspaghetti, "Of course it's challenging to get dead people to walk around, but if Jesus did it, so can we."

Risk management lawyers for Hospital of Lost Causes were not immediately reached by phone, and no one was answering the phones at any of the nursing stations hospital-wide.