Rabelais a day... keeps the lawsuits at bay.

Bear with me while I share some of my off-the-cuff hospital humor in the form of wicked satire.

Promotional Flyer for the Newly opened BUNK-U floor at our favorite hospital: Hospital of Holy Terrors!

Come join the latest in our innovational new approach to substandard care!

We here at Hospital of Lost Causes truly believe that our commitment to the worst possible outcomes for our patients is of paramount concern. To that end, on the heels of our wildly unsuccessful venture in mismanaging and misappropriating resources and finances, namely, the TRY-CU, our team of incompetent and lazy motherfuckers in upper management have developed the BUNK-U.

Says Chief Head Giver Phoot Puut Evans, "We knew that our sentinel events and near misses was usurping that of hospitals in war torn areas like the Gaza Strip, and we decided to capitalize on that. Knowing our nurses are amongst the most beleaguered, down-trodden, and easily suspectible to brain-washing, we implemented a truly atrocious yet unique plan to set them up to fail in yet another egregious fashion. By creating the BUNK-U, we believe our hospital deaths related to falls and accidental strangulations will increase by at least 500%, a margin of error that would impress even Satan Himself."

The BUNK-U, Hospital of Lost Causes "new" unit ("And by "new," we mean we had to kick out a colony of resident rats in the basement kitchens to make room for it," quips Project Director Boscoe "Dirty Balls" Boballino, is a 91 or maybe 92 bed unit that features hospital beds stacked two or three high. The goal is to "economize on space, safety, and increase the amount of unnecessary work and patient deaths" according to a confidential memo.

Chief Executioner of Operations, Janky Cracka Fool, gave this canned and completely insincere statement about the new plan: "We here at Hospital of Lost Causes are really proud of our bizarre and notorious reputation for completely ridiculous and frankly, atrocious levels of hazardous, toxic, and unsafe practice and policy, and I think the BUNK-U epitomizes what we're all about."

Credited with the idea for BUNK-U, and five time winner of the Seymour Koffins Award (Hospital of Lost Causes' dubiously prestigious nursing award which replaced the Florence Award in 2005) is The Nurse Formerly Known as Soviet Reject Tech. In halting English, Ms. Soviet Reject states somewhat incomprehensibly, "For my RN III project, I take look at amount of surgilube and correlated that to fall risk angel sign. Then, I come up with BUNK-U idea, which work very well in my home town in Siberia. Everybody now send me death threat! I feel so lucky; it's just like being back in Victory Retraining Camp in my homeland."

One nurse, who spoke on the condition of anonymity and appeared to be in critical but stable condition herself, merely said cryptically, "We are Legion!" Other nurses around the unit wandered aimlessly about with a tell-tale " thorazine shuffle." Although they had patient assignments on multiple floors, these nurses, who appeared to be on suicide watch themselves and often were chained together in groups by the ankle,merely gave furtive looks of sheer terror when approached by our reporters, and refused to comment further than repeating, sycophantically, either the hospital's mission statement or the meaning of the R.A.C.E. acronym. Nurses seemed to have an obsessive compulsive tic, checking bed alarms every five minutes or so. In fact, one nurse was found to be totally preoccupied with her seventeen patients' bed alarms, and seemed only to be able to repeat the phrase, "All your bedalarms are belong to us."

Teressa Lotsaspaghetti, former neurological disease nurse and newly appointed Clinical Nurse Specialist for the BUNK-U explains that "I did a study that showed the more you ambulate and check bed alarms, the better and more productive a nurse you are. Even though these nurses have been working continuous shifts for weeks, we feel that the constant movement not only prevents thrombus formation, but also promotes a feeling of communist solidarity so important to good work ethic, and consequently, excellent care for our patients."

When asked where Hospital of Lost Causes saw their BUNK-U vision going in the future, Alesio Bitchtits, newly elected manager of the BUNK-U said, "We're not sure what the Final Solution to the Healthcare Problem is going to be, but I believe we're working hard on honing our skills of eternal damnation, and I think we have an exciting purgatorial future ahead of us."

Patients were not immediately available for comment on the new BUNK-U arrangement, officials said.