Various and Asundry

Okay, so time to cram in a few more random observations, kind of like Dumbledore's Pensieve, except less detailed and a lot more pointless.

1) Somewhere along the lines, my friend Katy mentioned on her blog the ridiculousness of SPAM headers, said silliness prompting the rational thought, "Why on earth would I be compelled to open a piece of mail from someone I don't know, the subject header of which is entirely incomprehensible and so obviously SPAM it's pathetic?"

Ever since then, I've taken an informal survey of Random SPAM headers that seem to pile up in my university e-mail account with an alarming regularity. My favorite from last week? "Enormous Chignon." I'm thinking there must be a postmodern SPAM generator working overtime out there somewhere in the internet galaxy, generating infinite amounts of random word permutations just as somewhere, a computer infinitely spits out the sequence of pi. Or they've got a bunch of monkeys/high school drop outs trained to type nonesense on computers. (Hint: monkeys are cheaper to employ, and more reliable/intelligent than most humans).

2) Why do people call the hospital after they're discharged and ask questions about their discharge? We specifically ask you at the time of discharge whether or not you have any questions, and you're so busy trying to get the hell out of there you say "no." Does it ever occur to you that once you're discharged, your chart leaves our floor, and we are no longer legally responsible for your care? Does it ever occur to you that we aren't omniscent mind readers when you call for your spouse two weeks after discharge and say, "My husband was a patient there two weeks ago and he was supposed to get some test as an outpatient? Do you know what test that is?"

Or that when you don't understand that there's a generic name for a prescription and that it's the same drug as the brand name, and you call five hours after being discharged and tie up a nurse on the phone for fifteen minutes saying "You just don't understand" that maybe it's time to um... talk to a pharmacist and stop freaking out?

3) Okay, so slam me for this one if you will. I know it's a cultural thing, but sometimes I think men really take advantage of the "cultural thing" swinging in their favor. Yesterday I had this young guy from a conservative culture. And when I say young, I don't mean fifty. I mean within five years of my age. He was married to a pretty wife who looked even younger than he was, and she was about five to six months pregnant by the look of he tummy. He had a minor surgery, and was basically doing just spiffy, getting around on his own, independent as all get-out.

Well, in theory.

He wouldn't wash up until "his wife got there" and when he got dressed for discharge, she dressed him. She took his prescriptions and discharge instructions and acted as if she was his personal assistant/secretary instead of his wife.

It's one thing when you're dressing your elderly spouse/relative with some motor limitations who's just gone through a debilitating surgery. But a guy barely out of his twenties with full command of all of his faculties?! And his wife is pregnant and in need of some TLC herself? HUH?!

Like, okay, I said it before, I know this is a cultural thing for these folks and who am I to judge. I have to say that because I was indoctrinated in the bullshit culture of political correctness.

But I have to say, it makes me glad I'm not obligated to that kind of mollycoddling, because unless my spouse was in a full body cast or was actively dying, I'd be like, wash your own damn self, boyfriend!

I suck at being someone's slave, I guess.

4) Why do attendings ask you how the patient is doing if they don't want to even pretend to listen to you, and walk so fast you practically have to run to keep up with them, until you realize he's probably thinking about his golf game later on that afternoon, but he certainly hasn't been listening to you?

That shit pisses me off, because you know, I had better things to be doing with my time than flapping my mouth to a useless attending who asked a question he obviously didn't want answered in any detailed meaningful way.

This is one of the reasons why I prefer working at a teaching hospital. Interns/residents tend to be easier to work with on the whole, PAs and NPs are usually godsends, and I'd be out of my fur at the end of the day if I had to page out-of-house attendings the entire shift.

5) I"m getting hungry. I wonder what starch products I can rustle up for lunch.