All American Girls.

Overheard at an overcrowded Cheesecake Factory in Middle America yesterday:

GIRL #1:
Like, oh MY GOD. I'm not like, saying he drives people around like, Bill Gates or anything, but like, people almost like Bill Gates, or you know, the guy who like, owns Microsoft.

GIRL #2:
Like, no way!! That's like, sooooo cool! Like, I can't believe he actually like, knows those kinds of people. Like, that is just soooo awesome!

JAMIE:
[inner monologue]
Isn't Bill Gates and "the guy who like, owns Microsoft" technically sort of the same person? I mean, I know he's a "philanthropist" now, and retains the title "chairman" really only as a formality, but my guess is these distinctions are lost on the Amy Fischer Wannabe crowd in any case.

GIRL #1
[switching topics]
Like, did you ever hear what happened to that one chic? Like, apparently, her baby daddy caught her cheating with this other guy. Like, he walked in on it, or something.

GIRL #2:
No, WAAAAY!

GIRL #1
Way. Like, I didn't hear all the details, but I heard she wasn't working, or anything, and staying at home, and having this guy come over and stuff, like, all the time.

GIRL #2:
Like, OH MY GAWD! Can you believe it?!

GIRL #1:
Like, my kids are the most important thing to me EVER. You know?!

GIRL #2:
You're such a good mom! You're awesome! Your kids like, totally love you, you know?

JAMIE:
[inner monologue]
They did not just say "baby daddy!" Am I stuck in some white trash suburban version of Sex and the City, and no one told me?

GIRL #2:
Yeah, my career's like, important to me too. I'm like, into having goals and stuff? Like, I've got four more classes before I get my associates degree at Local Community College!

JAMIE:
[inner monologue]
Let me guess. Your major is "interior design" or "informatics." No wait! I know! Don't tell me! Your major is "communications!" Unless, of course, Baby Daddy is in the picture. Then I'll bet it's "cunning linguistics."

GIRL #1:
Wow, that's so amazing! You're like, awesome, girlfriend! You go! I'm waiting for my kids to grow up. But like, that scares me and shit. I mean, like, what am I gonna do without my kids?!

JAMIE:
[inner monologue]
Learn to read and focus on proper syntax and grammar, perhaps? Possibly take intensive English as a First Language classes and rectify your annoying habit of peppering every sentence with the word "like."?

Entree arrives.

GIRL #2:
Wow! We're gonna be here for like, another three hours! We're gonna be ordering our coffee at like, 10 p.m.! This is like, the hugest meal I've ever had! I've never had a meal take like, six hours to eat!

GIRL #1:
[laughing, as if this is a huge inside joke]
OH. MY. GOD. You're sooooo right! Totally! It's like, the six hour meal! I've never had a meal take so long, either! This is like, crazy, isn't it?!
Let's call our baby sitters right now and be like, "Uh? We're not gonna be home until like 12 a.m., because like, we're gonna be having our coffee at 10!

GIRL #2:
And our dessert at like, 11p.m.!

GIRL #1:
YOU ARE SO FUNNY!

JAMIE:
[inner monologue]
Must. not. vomit. in. own. plate. Must. think. about. erudite. and. highly. amusing. episodes. of. I, Claudius.

America, how I weep in my plate of over cooked transfats for thee.

You know,