the early bird not-so-special

So one thing I do not like about the morning is the earliness.

Or, more precisely, the tiredness associated with the earliness.

It is wrong, people.

Wrong.

It causes inveterate sleepers-in like myself to indulge in risk-taking behavior. I'm not talking about impulsiveness, higher-risk sex, spending or gambling sprees, here, either.

I'm talking about "risk-taking behavior" in the way it refers to dorky uncoordinated people who like to sleep until the sun rises, so you know, they can at least see what they're about to run into. (By the way, these people of whom I speak would be people like me.)

This risk-taking behavior would be summed up best as the following, namely: getting out of bed and driving to work, which causes stupid, vile, nasty and very expensive things to happen, like scraping the hell out of your car on a concrete post in the parking garage (true real life story!) and dressing up helpless dogs in unflattering costumes. (fake, made-up story for comic relief.)

Yes, if you click on the link, it says Big Daddy Pimp Costume, and yes, that is what appears to be a labrador retriever decked out in some purple pimpin' togs. I like how the caption below the picture gushes: "This Big Daddy Pimp Costume is just as adorable as it is funny."

This is funny in an ironic sense, if you think about it, because "adorable" usually refers to things like teddy bears and cute baby seals before they're clubbed in the noggin', not effete men named Purple Pappy Paulie G-ride Bouncer who profit off of their stable of hookers. (Also of note: the XL size of this costume is sold out! which means people are actually buying this garbage for their poor unsuspecting pet.)

So what I'm trying to tell you is: getting up and driving to work in the wee early hours of the morn is very bad and very wrong for people like myself.

Indeed, making people subsist on schedules not of their own biorhythmic makings may even be wronger than forcing your dog to pimp bitches (get it?! Har har!) at next year's Halloween party, but I'll leave you to be the judge of that particular conundrum.