Unsolved Mysteries

What day is it?!

I get that way when I have a four-day holiday in the middle of the week, even when I haven't been freebasing or binge-drinking.

Just kidding.

But seriously.

A couple of random observations:

1) I seem to have some kind of weird measles-like rash on my chest. Okay. What the fuck is that all about, please? Why must I turn into Stan Shunpike over night?

2) The middle aged guy on the plane smelled like stale beer. I was actually wedged between Old Guy and Middle Aged Guy, and I couldn't properly figure out if it was Old Person Smell, or Stale Beer Smell, or both. But it was vaguely naseauting.

3) Goofy looking pudgy teenage guys shouldn't go around airports--or anywhere for that matter--with teeshirts that say "Cure Abortion." It makes people who own their own uterus kind of pissed off, because uh, when teenage boys can pull basketballs out of their noses, and subsequently clothe, feed and send those basketballs all the way to college, then those teenage boys can wear whatever stupid Christian Right teeshirt slogan they wish. But until then, limit silkscreened statements to those regarding your own reproductive organs, thank you very much.

4) I read an article in one of those badly written airplane magazines that Danish people smile a lot. I guess the article was about how Denmark is full of toothy, grinning people who are either very, very friendly, or wolves in their grandmothers' Skyggejakke. Any way, now I want to go to Denmark. Damn suggestive travel articles.

5) I also want to run away from my country, to a nicer country. Specifically, one that isn't full of motherfuckers, and one where it's cheap to live, and tasty food is everywhere, andpeople decide to make me honorary queen and my subjects bring me lots of pretty yarn to knit and evil hospital CEOs to flog publically.

6) Libraries are a big huge turn-on for me. I have been neglecting my inner geek (although not my outer geek, as evidenced by multiple bruises on extremities of which I cannot explain the origin) lately. So when I went into a modest branch library this week, I could barely contain my book-lust. I have to admit I'm somewhat of a literary whore, though, flirting with every genre that comes my way. (I also have a bad habit of reading books--especially philosophy books--in random order, like flipping to page 27, reading five pages, then flipping to the end, and reading the last page etc.) I also confess to the menage a trois approach to reading, wherein I read bits and pieces of various media simultaneously.

Really, I should just out myself with my literary ADD and call it a day.

7) My dog was an ostrich in his former life. He likes to "hide" under my bed, except with conspicious parts showing, like half of his butt and tail, or a random paw. Sometimes he's really lazy about it, and he might as well not even try to fake playing ostrich. I'm all, "Piper, I can see you, you know. Just because you can't see me doesn't me I can't see you." This statement gets a paw drawn slowly under the bed. For about five seconds. Then it slowly inches out again.

Bottom line: The dog could care less what I think.

8) Does any one remember those Monchi-chi monkey dolls? Any one?

9) Dammit. I thought I turned off my stupid overhead fan five minutes ago. But I didn't.

10) Why do people have children? I don't get it. I'm not trying to be an ass, but it seems counterintuitive to me, other than from a purely biological/biblical imperative standpoint. I mean okay, I get that sex can be fun, but we have birth control nowadays. The really good kind, which runs contraceptive rings (pun intended) around your grandma's "Not before marriage, dear" line (did that line ever work any way?)

And then there's pregnancy, which doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs, and then there's labor and delivery, which definetely sounds like hours of intense pain and screaming, and then you have this mini-you running around, which seems ever so vaguely creepy, if you think about it from a genetics-as-philosophy standpoint.

I'm sorry for sounding so dense. I mean, I get why bunnies have babies; foxes need something to eat, and Jamie enjoys having the lop-eared ones around to nibble her computer cord as she blogs. But then, what eats people and makes pets out of them, other than one Hannibal Lector?

P.S. Does any one remember Robert Stack's Unsolved Mysteries? Someone needs to get Robert Stack back on the air, and do a special Unsolved Mysteries on Missing Monchi-chis: The Untold Stories of the Russian Toy Mafia of the '70s and '80s.