NURSE #1
Is it... ummm... that piece of paper, over there?
UNIT CLERK:
No.
TECH:
Um... that book?
UNIT CLERK:
Noooo! Try again.
NURSE #1:
Uh... the tele monitor numbers?
UNIT CLERK;
Nope. Last chance, guys.
JAMIE:
[on her way into patient room, overhears conversation]
Dude, don't tell me you are playing "I Spy," are you?
UNIT CLERK:
[abashed, giggles]
Yes, we are.
NURSE #1:
Actually, we're playing "Bumblebee, Bumblee."
JAMIE:
Huh?
UNIT CLERK:
Yeah: "Bumblebee, bumblebee, I see something you don't see." That's the way I learned it when I was a kid.
JAMIE:
[sitting down to play, too]
Okay.
Half an hour passes.
UNIT CLERK:
Y'all have to hear these stupid messages my stupid ex boyfriend left on my cell phone.
[plays messages over cellphone speaker phone; male voice with strong southern drawl is heard making spurious claims, apparently, of being a "changed man"]
UNIT CLERK:
[Giggles hysterically]
CHARGE NURSE:
Girl, how could you fuck someone who sounds like that?
THE REST OF US:
[Laugh appreciatively]
NURSE #1:
[inconsequently]
Man, I need to get laid.
CHARGE NURSE:
How 'bout call [unit clerk's] boyfriend?
[More time passes]
UNIT CLERK:
Hey [Nurse #1], remember that guy who hid the tele box, and wouldn't tell you where he put it? That was so funny.
NURSE #1:
Yeah, that bastard. That wasn't funny.
JAMIE:
He did what? Was he old and demented?
NURSE #1:
No. He was like, fifty. Stupid fucker.
JAMIE:
Ooo! Scary. So, where'd you finally found it?
NURSE #1:
Next room over. He hid it in another room. I spent half a shift running around trying to find that fucking thing. Ass.
JAMIE:
Nice! What happened to him?
NURSE #1:
Finally signed out AMA.
JAMIE:
No kidding.
[More time passes]
UNIT CLERK:
Oh my god! Remember that guy with the way swollen balls the size of cantaloupes!? Mr. B----, what was his name?
NURSE #1:
[bitterly]
Mr B---.
UNIT CLERK:
You actually remember his name?!
JAMIE:
So what happened to Mr. B... Mr. Balls?
UNIT CLERK:
He smelled funny. Remember how he used to come and sit out at the nurse's station, and just sit there, and smell?
NURSE #1:
Yeah. He had to have a section cut out of his wheelchair to accomadate his balls.
JAMIE:
I'm trying really hard not to imagine that.
UNIT CLERK:
Oh my god! That's right!
JAMIE:
[musing]
How did the Ball guy fit into pants?!
NURSE #1:
[as if I'm retarded]
He didn't. He wore a hospital gown.
JAMIE:
No, I mean, in the real world. What'd he wear? A mumu?
NURSE #1:
I have no fucking idea.
JAMIE:
What, you didn't follow Ball Guy home and check? That's like, a research project, right there, I'm telling you.
Is it... ummm... that piece of paper, over there?
UNIT CLERK:
No.
TECH:
Um... that book?
UNIT CLERK:
Noooo! Try again.
NURSE #1:
Uh... the tele monitor numbers?
UNIT CLERK;
Nope. Last chance, guys.
JAMIE:
[on her way into patient room, overhears conversation]
Dude, don't tell me you are playing "I Spy," are you?
UNIT CLERK:
[abashed, giggles]
Yes, we are.
NURSE #1:
Actually, we're playing "Bumblebee, Bumblee."
JAMIE:
Huh?
UNIT CLERK:
Yeah: "Bumblebee, bumblebee, I see something you don't see." That's the way I learned it when I was a kid.
JAMIE:
[sitting down to play, too]
Okay.
Half an hour passes.
UNIT CLERK:
Y'all have to hear these stupid messages my stupid ex boyfriend left on my cell phone.
[plays messages over cellphone speaker phone; male voice with strong southern drawl is heard making spurious claims, apparently, of being a "changed man"]
UNIT CLERK:
[Giggles hysterically]
CHARGE NURSE:
Girl, how could you fuck someone who sounds like that?
THE REST OF US:
[Laugh appreciatively]
NURSE #1:
[inconsequently]
Man, I need to get laid.
CHARGE NURSE:
How 'bout call [unit clerk's] boyfriend?
[More time passes]
UNIT CLERK:
Hey [Nurse #1], remember that guy who hid the tele box, and wouldn't tell you where he put it? That was so funny.
NURSE #1:
Yeah, that bastard. That wasn't funny.
JAMIE:
He did what? Was he old and demented?
NURSE #1:
No. He was like, fifty. Stupid fucker.
JAMIE:
Ooo! Scary. So, where'd you finally found it?
NURSE #1:
Next room over. He hid it in another room. I spent half a shift running around trying to find that fucking thing. Ass.
JAMIE:
Nice! What happened to him?
NURSE #1:
Finally signed out AMA.
JAMIE:
No kidding.
[More time passes]
UNIT CLERK:
Oh my god! Remember that guy with the way swollen balls the size of cantaloupes!? Mr. B----, what was his name?
NURSE #1:
[bitterly]
Mr B---.
UNIT CLERK:
You actually remember his name?!
JAMIE:
So what happened to Mr. B... Mr. Balls?
UNIT CLERK:
He smelled funny. Remember how he used to come and sit out at the nurse's station, and just sit there, and smell?
NURSE #1:
Yeah. He had to have a section cut out of his wheelchair to accomadate his balls.
JAMIE:
I'm trying really hard not to imagine that.
UNIT CLERK:
Oh my god! That's right!
JAMIE:
[musing]
How did the Ball guy fit into pants?!
NURSE #1:
[as if I'm retarded]
He didn't. He wore a hospital gown.
JAMIE:
No, I mean, in the real world. What'd he wear? A mumu?
NURSE #1:
I have no fucking idea.
JAMIE:
What, you didn't follow Ball Guy home and check? That's like, a research project, right there, I'm telling you.
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