Last night/morning/whatever you call it on night shift, I had a patient vagal and go from first degree... into second... wait no... third degree heart block!
What does this mean, boys and girls?
a) "p waves" with no corresponding "QRS" complexes.
b) "complete ventricular standstill" for nearly 6 seconds.
c) "Why don't I have a normal job, shuffling paper or painting the "m"s on "M&M" candies?"
d) all of the above
This morning, for some completely stupid reason, a GI attending came. Patient started vagaling again, brady'ed down to thirty, got all nauseous and vomit-y.
Doc's response?
a) Suggest to nurse that "You should raise the head of the bed a bit; she looks like she's going to throw up."
b) Quietely leave the room, leaving nurse and unstable patient alone in the room. Without notifying any one else, flee the floor for the entire duration of the patient's vagal episode.
c) Come back after the nurses have stabilized the patient.
d) Declare: "The patient is fine. She doesn't need an ICU bed, in my opinion."
My (fantasy) response?
a) "Hey, you spend all day sticking your finger up everyone elses' asses; why not try your own for a change?!"
Man, oh man; I should have gone to fake medical school, too. Then I could rake in lots of money for pointing out the patently obvious to nurses, who then do all the work to get the patient better, and then I could say, "See, all better now! You people worry way, way too much."
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