why i stay.

I'm pretty sure I need a twelve step program to get out of nursing.

Last shift, I remember at some point right after we'd stabilized the patient that I found myself staring at the pattern on the patient's gown, trying to keep it together, trying to maintain, fighting down an insanely strong urge to cry, yell and/or run away and never come back. I was in the room, watching the patient and well, trying to make up for being the lousy, shitty nurse that I totally felt I was.

As I was sitting there, mindlessly chatting away in my Fake Calm "See It's All Okay Now! Wasn't That Fun, Kind of, Being In a Life-or-Death Situation?!" , I was really thinking, "What am I doing?! I don't like when patients' hearts stop beating! This is really, really scary! I don't want to do this anymore! I need to leave! Get out of here! I'm going to freak out and cry! I'm not a nurse! I suck as a nurse! I'm a fake! A fraud! I have to go, NOW!"

For two seconds, I had to really stare at that nauseatingly ugly diamond pattern on that gown, just to keep it all together.

Then I looked up at my patient, who was looking at me with a curious expression, as if maybe she'd caught a glimpse of my panic and fear I try to neatly conceal under my Fake Calm Act.

I realized she was looking to me for reassurance, as she was probably scared to death herself. And she wasn't showing it. She was the one whose heart had stopped beating, and she was being brave. She was hiding her fear.

So how could I be so selfish as to show it?

We smiled at each other, and we both continued pretending it was okay.

Sometimes, pretending it's okay is all you have.